Buzzsaw & The Shavings - The Wine Lover (1992) [Shrimper, SHR50, Cassette]


BARKEEP: Patrons, oh patrons, you must clear out! Drop that tankard! Stop up the alcoholic spout! We must run! We must flee, flee for our lives, time grows short! None remains for any retorts!

DRUNKARDS: But why? Why would we have to go? BARKEEP: Ludovico is here! DRUNKARDS: Ludovico? BARKEEP: Yes, yes, Ludovico. DRUNKARDS: Doom, doom... BARKEEP: Yes, I can't agree more. The greatest wine lover in the empire is within our wineless city. Because of the wine edict, he will not find a drop! DRUNKARDS: Doom, doom. BARKEEP: Giving long explanations is death. We must take to our heels! For my alcoholic friend in the next city informed me just this morning that Ludovico was there! Due to that wine edict, on no map will it be found anywhere! DRUNKARDS: Did he... d-do it? BARKEEP: What else could it be? DRUNKARDS: Doom, doom... BARKEEP: I have worse news yet! You have no idea how close he is to our endangered and defenseless tavern. DRUNKARDS: How n-near? BARKEEP: At the temple of the water god. You know what rage he must be in. It was consecrated to the wine god... DRUNKARDS: Doom, doom! BARKEEP: A leisurely stroll of ten minutes would bring anyone here to our establishment. An enraged gallop of ten minutes would bring his rising anger here to destroy us all. Know surely that he has visited every last tavern our city has to offer, know surely that each tavern has given him alcoholic rejection. He must be at burst with unvinted rage, he is stretched thin, it would be so easy for him t-t-t-t-t-t-to... do it! DRUNKARDS: We must flee at once! BARKEEP: Indeed, we are the final tavern that has until now escaped his notice, his boundless store of wrath will surely escape here, his boundless rage will, oh, if only one cask remained, if only one flask remained hidden away from the all-encompassing eyes of the wine edict, if only a residue of dregs remained on a---patrons, remain calm, oh, oh, do not yield to h-hysteria! DRUNKARDS: What did you see out that window? Is it--- BARKEEP: Ludovico storms across the courtyard! Arms clenched, eyes reddened, with, with---

DRUNKARDS: Doom, doom!! BARKEEP: Please, please, hold fast to your wits. Trickery and subterfuge will save us. It must save us. DRUNKARDS: No, no, there is nothing left to try. We must commit ourselves to that brewery up in the sky! BARKEEP: Please, please, I see a plentitude of handholds on the walls of our slippery pit. You must listen! We must make promises and excuses! We must show concern. We must try to help... DRUNKARDS: Yes, yes, but above all, let's help ourselves BARKEEP: We, we will turn his head, we will befuddle and confuse him---Ah.... Ludovico, welcome to my unworthy tavern...

LUDOVICO: Is this the Hope And Cistern Tavern? I was told much wine remains here. BARKEEP: Ahh! No, no, no, this is the Inn of the Gutted Flask. But! Here you will find wine. Of course! Of course. We, we will exert ourselves to no end to cater to your viny whim! LUDOVICO: You will fetch that wine at once. BARKEEP: Ah, but you'll find that we care about the traveler's welfare. LUDOVICO: I have searched the far ends of the empire for but a single drop of the regal juice. I have seen every last barkeep and broker of spirits the empire can produce, and felt the countless strings of their answers, all in the negative. I can assure you that what would be best for my welfare is an immediate glass. Of. Wine!

BARKEEP: Yes, of course, but. But. DRUNKARDS: A sudden glass of wine would be a shock! A sudden glass of wine could be death! BARKEEP: Listen to me, patrons, Ludovico, we do care for your welfare, we do so very much indeed, why, listen to those consequences. To, to, so suddenly drain a glassful, could--- DRUNKARDS: You could succumb to spasms and fits! Your fingers could fall off slowly in bits! BARKEEP: On the house! I will bring you a flagon of ein honey mead! I will fetch you a fine darkish ale! Anything to spare you the fearsome shock of a sudden drop of wine! Yes, oh, yes--- LUDOVICO: I'm beginning to think there's no wine here to drink! BARKEEP: Absurdity! Laughability! I assure you we have, securely hidden against a rush of wine-thirsty humanity, a fine web-encrusted bottle from the empire's finest estate. Ah, please... allow me to fetch it... DRUNKARDS: Ah but you need help! Such a precious bottle can't have too many hands holding it. BARKEEP: Yes, yes, of course. Ahh. The slightest jolt could shatter it. Your help is most appreciated, patrons. Now, now, f-f-f-follow me, to th... LUDOVICO: Worms! Enough of your lies! Enough of your dread! It is plain to me, wine from this place has fled. DRUNKARDS: No, no, what you say isn't true, Please, allow us, to-- LUDOVICO: Enough!

LUDOVICO: Of all barkeeps I have encountered, you are the most contemptible, you are the most temerous, you are, ahh, I feel it rising in my throat! Yes, deceitful barkeep, you richly deserve it, you richly--ah---it's about to thunder! Yes, yes! My proclamation is wrung-----

LUDOVICO: KUNG CHUNG!

LUDOVICO: This wine blight is a relentless enemy! But not an invincible one. Wineless beast, my determination is the sword that will slay you! Take heed, beast! If it is your desire to eliminate wine from the empire forever, only my death will assure it! And that will be denied you, I swear. In the name of chalices and goblets that have yet to be forged and filled, with the ruby red of your defeat.

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