QUELLNINA: One minute. Two minutes. Now four minutes late. Surely by now a dreadful fate has taken my serving girl. Oh yes, rumors must be afloat that wine remains in the palace. Oh yes, the guards must have been doubled at the gate. Eight minutes. Sixteen minutes, now thirty minutes late. Surely it is a cruel fate that has devoured her. The same cruel fate that took away the simple joy of wine, and reduced it to frightened smuggling, because of the emperor's joy of the wine edict. Oh husband, what has happened to you? The populace of the empire hates you so for taking away their second water. But they loathe the wrong person. They do not know of... Oranda, that wicked she-devil that managed to destroy the wine-joy of the emperor. What does she have against him? It was I that refused her to be lady-in-waiting. She must know that will vilify him in the people's eyes, she must...

SERVING GIRL: Empress Quellnina, please excuse my lateness. Guards are everywhere. I must be quiet as I shut your chamber door.

QUELLNINA: I see you are veiled, why is that?

SERVING GIRL: The emperor knows there is wine in the palace. We are in gravest danger, and I feel I must hide my identity until I feel you are truly the Empress. Spies are everywhere as well.

QUELLNINA: Though you do your duty without question as it should be, I put you at a great risk nonetheless. 

SERVING GIRL: You are at greater risk, empress! I have dealt a fatal blow to us! I fear a week ago I caused a bottle of wine to fall by setting foot on a loosened step.

QUELLNINA: This is serious.

SERVING GIRL: It greatly implicates you. That broken glass and purplish flow left an indicting stain on a staircase that leads directly to your private chambers.

QUELLNINA: Catastrophic!

SERVING GIRL: I have worse news. Scarcely minutes ago I observed guards marching directly to this chamber.

QUELLNINA: You are loyal, but foolish, then, to even attempt to reach my bedroom chambers! Surely the guards have seen you. And I do not see it proper as your Empress to fret over your safety....

SERVING GIRL: I do this only to protect my Empress, Queen of the realm. I'm certain that I was not seen, but regardless, I will tell defend you by telling the guards that this wine is mine that I hold beneath my skirts.

QUELLNINA: This is a very generous thing you do. You are loyalty's pearl. 

SERVING GIRL: I see it, Empress, as an act of apology for endangering you by my gross stupidity and clumsiness. We will tell the guards it is mine, that you discovered the bottle on me, and was about to call for the guards yourself. A servant executed means nothing to the empire, but an Empress...

GUARDS: Your Emporal Empress! We have been ordered to search your chamber. Please, please, open your door. 

SERVING GIRL: Empress, enough discussion. I will now take the blame.

GUARDS: Empress! You will now open your door! At once, men, let not a single crevice escape inspection. We know this room contains wine and we must find it. Smash that chair of wicker, tear down those velvet curtains.

SERVING GIRL: Guards, I believe I have what you seek, here. 

GUARDS: The bottle of wine!

SERVING GIRL: A prospect altogether fine. Now, off with the veil! Quellnina, your efforts apparently fail.

QUELLNINA: Oranda! Your wickedness shall never cease to stun me!

ORANDA: Why? I only do my duty to the emperor. I do all I can to protect him from harm and see that his proper edicts are obeyed within the walls of his own home. And I will see that the emperor knows of your treachery to him by defying the wine edict. 

QUELLNINA: What about my serving girl! What has been done to her?

ORANDA: Your pearl of loyalty has long been dealt with properly. I had suspicions of winy conditions here and saw to it she was followed. Many times did she carry that forbidden intoxicant to your chambers. So a bit of step was broken for her to fall upon and smash that bottle, that I knew she must have. What a treat it was, better than brandied sugar, to hear the shattering glass. 

QUELLNINA: Suddenly I feel so faint. Allow me to take to bed.

ORANDA: Have not the strength to hear she's dead? That your crime is vast and great? Your high station won't save you when the emperor learns of grape-y insurrection in his own nest. Your high station won't keep you from the chopping block. Yes, go bury your head under the pillow. It won't stop my consuming joy over being able to deny you as you denied me, when I wished only to be your lady in waiting! Yet you seem to prefer execution. You seem to prefer having your hair shorn being from your scalp to stuff chairs, your eyes baked into a pie, your bones ground up for grave scones... 

ORANDA: So be it! Guard! Off to the emperor, tell him a traitor lies within the palace walls.

QUELLNINA: I denied you because I saw relentless ambition in your eyes. Be only lady in waiting? Ha! You seek much more. Perhaps my own throne? Perhaps the hand of the emperor? But why should you do this by endangering your own position, by encouraging the wine edict? But I can't know, for I don't have the mind of a she-devil! If you seek to break over our loving chain that the emperor and I have forged, you will fail, you ugly beast. You will fail. Ha!

GUARD: The emperor, lord of the realm enters. To him all bow!

EMPEROR: You may rise. I think.

ORANDA: Now, sire. Let me tell you how your dear Quellnina, Empress of the realm, conspires to defy the wine edict.

ORANDA: She was the center of a ring of servants all keen in the art of escaping observation. Right under the imperial nose was wine kept in your own home. Why, she stood ready to give you a dozen flagons of wine. 

EMPEROR: Why is she bound tight and denied use of her feet?

ORANDA: She tried to escape legal clutches! Instead of thanking my offers to protect her from prosecution because of who she is, she leapt at me, screaming vile threats! And visions of us swinging from castle scaffolds! It breaks my heart to relate this to you, sire. Barely was she stopped from massacre and flight!

EMPEROR: Shame is treachery. A stab in the back, I guess. I suppose. I feel the red haze of a stern rage, yes, yes, I do. My throne-mate was not a wife, but merely a talented actress. And, yes, her kisses were motivated not by love, but merely a script.

QUELLNINA: I see Oranda has already put her in your cage.

EMPEROR: Silence! Ah, yes, silence!

EMPEROR: Strike from her the right of speech! I should run you through, now! But I. I don't have my sword. But Oranda, you saved the city--nay, the realm!--From the poison of the vine. I'm indebted to you. I should reward you. I guess. I think.

ORANDA: I seek nothing, I only follow duty.

EMPEROR: Nevertheless, I insist. I think.

ORANDA: Well then... I wish to be regent of the empire! As emperor you shouldn't have to see commoners or concern yourself with the burdens of government. Wouldn't it be better to be a creator of the arts, whittling away the time in your own private forest, while I deal with popular discontent?

EMPEROR: Oh, this sounds very agreeable. No more burdens. Very well! I proclaim you regent! I proclaim it! You'll officially be given the honors and the powers at a grand ball with all the nobles of the empire in attendance, to see me proclaim this great news. Oh, yes. Let's. Let's have gold-stuffed omelets... no, diamond-stuffed omelets served. Oh, let's, no, oh yes, let's proclaim it with, no, yes, oh, no more burdens, aahh, oh, no more burdens, ohohoho... 

ORANDA: Guards, see to it he arrives at his own quarters safely. His buffoonery is too valuable to lose.

ORANDA: And you, other guard. Remain here.

QUELLNINA: Regent. Now I understand all. You wish to be regent so you can defame him in the people's eyes. The wine edict was only the first salvo.

ORANDA: True, correct, yes. But I do not speak to non-persons. To the pit with you, ex-empress, where your knowledge will do you no good. Guard, to the pit with her. And guard, speak to no one of this, or the same day you will surely hang... Ah, such a buffoon the emperor is. Men are so easy to control, if one but knows the right bait. How easy it was also to convince him that all the wine in the empire had gone poisonous. With Count Varonian there to help... ah, the Count. Another man who flailed about me on cue... after taking his bait, he'll be useful to me, too. Until the day he's sent to the chopping block! HA HA HA HA HA HA! Ahh, lovely bottle of wine! At least you still pour down my throat! AHAHA HA HA HA HA!